Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”

Wife: How is he?

Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water

Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?

Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead

MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house

Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.

If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.

“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”

Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though

Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.

Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions

2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.

A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…

*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?

I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.

‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body

toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking

[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord

There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to

In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it

What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy

What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light

FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.

Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.

Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays

My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.

Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.

AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S

Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
They

Amateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes

If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.

Daughter: what does biography mean?

Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.

[later at movie night]

Wife: let’s watch Cars.

Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.

I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.