lmaoðŸ˜ðŸ¤£
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The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
No matter how much Polynesian food you eat, you always want Samoa.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Print is alive and well!!!
How to speak Irish…
WHALE
OIL
BEEF
HOOKED(say it fast)
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
Every damn time
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to