lmao😭🤣
You Might Also Like
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
Mornin
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
We’re only a short time away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
Start the year as you intend to continue.
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw