Lmbo
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The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!