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I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!