Lmfao
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judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
We wanted a small, tasteful wedding. No friends, no family, no bride. Just me, sitting alone, ordering Uber Eats
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
