lmfao
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Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
“Santa isn’t real” ok, I literally just saw him at the mall
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
Accidentally saying Yes I would like a receipt and having to wait half an hour while the kiln is heated and the tablet is fired
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
Dr: (knocks on door before coming in the room)
Me: Pooping
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
After this very serious election let’s do one goofy one
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
Happy Friday
