lmfao
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Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
Can’t believe I ruined my diet again, went over by one gram of uranium (18 million calories)
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
That’s commitment
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
When I was 11 I went to the mall and got a mullet. The MALL! A MULLET!
Then the next day I went again & had the back of it permed. PERMED!
Oh and also I got grounded, and my mom cried, and I may have ruined the Christmas card.
But I looked rad AF.