lmfao
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All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
Okey dokey.
My Dad’s TV exploded, sparks and smoke, the whole 9 yards. I of course used this as an opportunity to tell him if took better care of his things and didn’t watch rubbish, none of this would have happened.
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
Get off my horse you stupid moon
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.