LMFAOOOO
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No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
B
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
Me when my kids were little: I hope people like them and they make lots of friends
Me now: WHY ARE MY KIDS’ FRIENDS ALWAYS HERE
Found this gold ring today in a garden… just to be safe I should go throw it in a fiery mountain. Gonna need 8 nerds to take a little walk with me, who’s in?
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon