LMFAOOOO
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People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
i don’t think he’s the guy. the shooter used a silencer and an italian would never attempt to be quiet in public
My dad teaching me to drive
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Revenge is a dish best served by cutting a sandwich horizontally instead of diagonally
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
Modded the new Gran Turismo
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
I have this condition that means I have to vacuum my house daily.
Friend: Oh, OCD?
Me: Children.
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.