LMFAOOOO
You Might Also Like
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
you can’t prove that threatening a toilet doesn’t work
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
Apparently someone’s been stealing patrol dogs.
Police say they have several leads
#Police
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.