Lmfaoooooo
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H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
[michael jackson if he became an ER nurse instead of a singer]
annie? are you okay?
you’ve been hit by *flips page on chart*
you’ve been struck by… *flips next page*
a toyota corolla
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
i don’t really care how u met your partner. tell me about how you met your nemesis
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything