Lmfaoooooo
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Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
Oh you won a gold medal at the Olympics? My watch just congratulated me for standing up
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
#Caturday
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
The next James Bond should be played by a duck. But not a female duck, obviously. That would be unrealistic.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.