Lmfaoooooo
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ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
What if my cans are tuna cans or industrial school size cans of peaches in syrup or old rusty tin cans connected with string, can I still show them off? I heard people like looking at other people’s cans
Welcome to your 40s, you now don’t understand a single word anyone under 25 is saying
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
If history has taught us anything, it’s that fascism has always been fought against too quickly and too violently
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
