Lmfaoooooo
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I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶
Me: “And a million dollars.”
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶
Me: “And a million dollars.”
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love, love🎶
Me: “Agree to disagree.”
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??