Lmfaoooooo
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Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
the lady who waxes my eyebrows asked me what my favorite local hot dog places are and i got so animated she had to stop working for a second
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
Bag of flesh that acts weird when another bag of flesh doesn’t send symbols on glowing screen
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Best sidewalk sandwich board ad I’ve ever seen.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.