Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

so much oil in my hair rn america’s plotting an invasion

help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.

Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison

Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.

5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?

Me: No

Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?

Me: Because he’s met me

Waiter: Can I see your ID?

Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.

Waiter: What would you like to drink?

If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.

I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.

Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man

My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.

Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.

I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.

Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?

My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.

Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.

Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.

Sorry I said you and your husband look related.

Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”

I’ve discovered that books are not donuts.

If you make a donut & someone buys it & likes it, they may buy another donut tomorrow.

If you write a book & someone buys it & likes it, they will not buy another copy the next day.

This is the flaw of books or the advantage of donuts

My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.

[speed dating]
Me “Why are you covered in blood?”
Her “it’s just a conversation starter!
Me:…
Her: And it worked! So… what blood type are you?”

If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic

I think my husband is beginning to suspect

I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.

Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?

Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is

Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.

Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.

Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist

Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean

*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*