Lo AND behold? in this economy?
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How did they get kids to pose for oil paintings mine won’t sit still for 4 seconds for a family photo
“Do you have a good reason for calling your wedding off?”
“I can’t say I do”
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
The next time someone does one of those ‘write a 3 word horror story’ competitions, I’m going to enter this picture.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.