Lo AND behold? in this economy?
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Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
#ProTip
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
Toasters aren’t governed by that little dial.
They have free will.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
TV doctor: You need to eat colourful foods for their vitamins and antioxidant properties
Me, eating a bowl of Skittles: *high fives myself
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
Amazing how fast my addiction to my phone is cured the moment I get a phone call.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
the composer
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?