Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
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Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
[after a vasectomy] do i get the cone
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
Apologies for the delays. The suitcase smashing machine has broken down, so we’re having to smash suitcases by hand.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
My mom says if I’m a good boy, I can be the captain of the gravy boat at Thanksgiving this year.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above