Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?

*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis

You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.

[date]

him: I loved Captain Marvel.

me: Me too!

him: What was your favorite part?

me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling

ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth

Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..

*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*

So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.

Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.

living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it

My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday

*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*

Ok, weigh me now.

INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words

There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.

I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?

Oscar Wilde: “be yourself, everyone else is already taken”
Liam Neeson: *cracks knuckles*

Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies

Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security

*sends nudes*

Him: omg you showered!

If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.

Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention

Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that

Invention: *crying*

what?

[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.

Them: I wish for world peace

Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu

I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??

Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store

I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.

It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.

[at the playground]

“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”

“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me

Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.

Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.

The horror of touching the spoon on the bin when disposing of a tea bag.

Another spoon will now be on stirring duty. A pure spoon.

Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?