Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
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ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
The news in a nutshell.
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.