Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
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Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
Don’t forget to set several alarms the first day of school so you remember to pick up the kids
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
“Don’t look at me, you bought the faulty blinds”
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
British websites use biscuits.
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
Google Maps should start screaming the more wrong turns you make
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.