Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again

me: you wanna hot line bling?

date: what?

me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?

date: excuse me

me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!

wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.

Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.

When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.

[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]

Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come

Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.

When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.

Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?

I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies

i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”

Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen

Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.

I made some soup yesterday entirely from ingredients extracted from the atmosphere…

It was a broth of fresh air!🤭😁

me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY

me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying

Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.

public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win

6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.

I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.

In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.

ME: [bird watching]

PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.

Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!

I will selflessly protect my family from a life of diabetes by eating the entire box of donuts.

ceimr

thats “crime” but in alphabetical order

organized crime

[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T H

C R E

O D

W

if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast

Doing my bit for the evolution of the human race by eating lots of carbs and never exercising. We will adapt

A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.

Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea

me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂