Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[mysterious British man rescues me]

Me: How?

Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.

°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND

husband: Now is the time to start prepping for dinner, what do we want to get out?

me: How about a pork loin? I think pork loin is my favorite thing that you make.

17yo: I thought we were your favorite thing Dad made.

if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me

How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”

Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store

Did you know that a pint of spilled blueberries can travel 3 feet across a kitchen floor in 3.1 seconds? Did you also know they can “disappear” under the fridge in the time it takes a mom to pee?

I do. Now.

If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either

me: i’m not afraid of death

[2 mins later : stubs toe]

also me: OMG I’M DYING

me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head

My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.

But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.

99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.

basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun

My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.

I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.

When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.

Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.

flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm

my parents at 4 am:

Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.

[doing crossword]

Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: never

Me: pistol; three letters
Wife: gun

Me: disgust; three letters
Wife: ugh

Me: charity; four letters
Wife: give

Me: female sheep; three letters
Wife: ewe

Me: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up

making sure he doesnt get away

Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy

Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back

Marty: it’s just bread

Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother

Marty: what?

Doc Brown: what, what?

business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves

[IKEA-themed restaurant]

Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?

“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”

Later…

“All I want for Christmas is you.”

EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.

Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.

Told her to just roll them a little tighter.

To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.

The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical

Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”

ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”