Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government

I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.

I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.

I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday

Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together

Me: That’s not true

H: Wanna go hiking

M: I don’t like your tone

my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked

To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician

WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad

ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please

“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”

“Sir, she came in with you!”

I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.

It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department

Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon

If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.

you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.

*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*

i lost 4 lbs, nice

*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*

the punishment does not fit the crime

I see the Chancellor has raised passenger duty on private planes by a whopping 50%? Those multi billionaires are going to have to stop buying avocados and going to Starbucks.

I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard

Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums

I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.

Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.

I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.

I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.

Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?

Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.

No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!

[My dog watching me floss]

Halloween is great because it combines two of my favorite hobbies: driving out to a wet farm to handpick the heaviest inedible vegetable I can find, and taking my small disguised children out past their bedtimes to roam the streets in darkness

Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…

Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.

If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.

Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.

I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado

[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about you

ME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money