Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
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[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
You ever been talking to a genuinely stupid person and think “good for him. You know what keeps this guy up at night? Not a God damn thing”
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
as the prophecy foretold
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
when I go to parties I always bring my own plunger
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.