Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shopping for a toaster yesterday I came across this review.

“Easy to use instructions.”

Email: Would you like to have some fun?

Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*

I would like you to meet my significant other. Her name is Cheese.

Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.

I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.

The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.

With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.

My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.

And then hit her head.

If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.

reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery

me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes

America has a lot of faults as a country but we absolutely went off with garbage disposals in our kitchen sinks. “just use a food catcher?? scrape the food into the trash???” thank u Europe but we actually put loud finger-ripping chainsaws in our drains god bless❤️

when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation

*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”

Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”

I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..

My surgeon friends disagreed.

Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.

If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.

The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it

Dr Raygun has achieved a feat absolutely unheard of in academia – people are reading her thesis

WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?

ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?

I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.

Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.

Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.

I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news

Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!

You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.

Me: What did you do at school today?

4yo: Nothing

M: You must have done something.

4: I don’t remember.

[Bedtime]

M: Goodnight.

4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*

George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’

Me redecorating every room in my mind

To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.

ok hear me out: Luigiana

inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many