Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
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Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
Fixed this for Shakespeare
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?