Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4

My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.

Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.

Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.

Amazon Review Guide

⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating

Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different

It’s not you, it’s me.

-Twins looking through old photographs.

Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Blockbuster: 😭 yes

It’s happened

I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room

Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻‍♀️

Watching women’s tennis and getting angry at the net. We shouldn’t put needless obstacles in the way of women.

Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.

*door in my house opens on its own*

me: fascinating. there must be quite a temperature differential between these two rooms to create that kind of pressure

the ghost haunting me: (slamming its head through the wall) i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you

I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits

banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball

You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.

Tequila should come with a label saying “this may cause you to pick trash off the interstate in an orange jumpsuit on the weekends.”

my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .

Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.

Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out

Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff

As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.

Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.

Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.

me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol

teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked

I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same

If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.

What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.

What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.

what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night

i may live alone but I keep the toilet seat DOWN in case a woman burglar needs to use it

I feel so discombobulated when supermarkets switch up the aisles without texting me first.

If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.

Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power