Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He loved it so much he walked himself up.

The eta apple maps gives you when your driving somewhere is based on how long it would take to get there if the world had one car and it was all yours

A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.

Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.

Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*

If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?

We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.

“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.

“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.

I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.

“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”

[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves

[restaurant]

me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please

server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir

me: challenge accepted

[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]

Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.

Wife: You’re naked.

Me:

Wife:

Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.

I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.

Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.

Wife: We named you after Grandma

Me: Yes that was my idea!

Grandma: They all laugh at me at school

“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything

my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”

Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.

WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!

~me, drunk, at a wax museum

people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.

When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.

Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet

Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.

I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.

Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.

At ease

Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”

Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?

Me: Well vampires don’t exis-

Boy: Can you beat a black hole?

Me: A black hole is-

Boy: A rhino?

Me: The thi-

Boy: A T-Rex?

Me: Wel-

Boy: Mike’s dad?

Me: Yes.

Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?

Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS

Interviewer:

Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?

i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions

*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.

The Blob: Bakery Beginning!