Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”

Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”

In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will

[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?

Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.

Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.

Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.

The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.

Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.

Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.

Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?

I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up

“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.

as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money

ah yes, the Supreme Court

a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream

Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.

My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out

We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices

I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me

Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?

Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.

Her: I want to travel the world in the new year

Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..

Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.

Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.

warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.

me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend

[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead

Call all your previous ones relationsinks.

a depressed madame curie is a sighentist.

“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”

[HIGH SCHOOL]

teacher: you’ll use calculus one day

[AGE 40]

me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know

I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?

[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay

My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now