Loan Officer: And the reason for the loan?
Me: I need printer ink.
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I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Me: [a puppy mediator in the old west] get along, little doggies
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
‘Just Do It (Yourself)’
NIKEA
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?