Loan Officer: And the reason for the loan?
Me: I need printer ink.
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Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
This is what happened. I hit the scorpion emoji by accident which made it go into my frequent emojis & it was very hectic & I wasn’t paying attention & most of my texts to people yesterday ended with a scorpion by mistake instead of a heart. Anyway. Sorry about all the scorpions
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
Think you have only one chin? Let your kid take a picture of you from their POV and you will find you are sorely mistaken.
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
When they try to steal your moment.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
Getting on the floor to pick up a piece of paper after doing deadlifts was a choice
I guess I live down here now
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.