Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Have we checked all food to see if exploding it makes it into something better or did we just stop with corn?

Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.

75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them

And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy

Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu

Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*

Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.

wife: what’s bothering you, hun?

attila: the romans

Customer service: how can I help you?

Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh

Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning

idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭

I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.

Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.

Me: What’s for dinner?

Her: Chinese.

Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.

*catches duck
*fires up juicer

On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.

I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color

Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*

Abandoned amusement parks are so creepy.. it’s no wonder they were abandoned

Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band

“Why yes, that scale is accurate”

A collection of horror stories

It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing

CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love

HADDAWAY: shit

*Negative people trying to ruin my mood

*Me

Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here

[Waking up in Heaven]

This is all super nice, but how did I die?

Angel: You died doing what you loved.

Me: intimidating men?

Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you

Me: classic

I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.

Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.

But a little drama never hurts.

Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..

Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life

Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing

They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.

Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?

Everyone…

Live, Laugh, Love

Leer, Lunge, Lactate

Do things that start with L