Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
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HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
By the time I catch up with a joke format, I’m like a baker trying to sell yesterday’s doughnuts.
HIPPO: I’m really heavy
ZIPPO: I’m a little lighter
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
I hate when I see an old person and then realize I went to high school with them.
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?