Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
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I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
Sorry but I’m not taking lessons in communication from a baby
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
I bought some night vision goggles so I can eat lasagna in bed at night without waking up my wife.
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.