Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
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I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
house sitting!
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
Feed me pretty and tell me I’m tacos
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
I swear to god after this election I’m taking a long break from social media for 2-3 hours
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
I am not a people person. I am a person person. One (1) of you mfers at a time and even that is pushing it.
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!