Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
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I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
why does this picture look like abed accidentally transported into gilmore girls and not that the actor is actually in this scene
