LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
work smarter, not harder
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
Lady behind me on this @delta flight is complaining to the stewardess because they made her check her bag and there’s a ton of room.
Her husband to the stewardess: “you know she went to college with the CEO of Delta”
Stewardess: “You should have kept in touch.”
💀
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
