Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.

You’re in a pickle…oh okay that sounds nice, can it be bread and butter please?

[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.

At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.

Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.

*moves to Fiji*

I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.

Nice try Hitler

The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.

*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*

if 5 random white ppl come up to me & tell me they are imagine dragons im gonna have no choice but to believe them

If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?

My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.

If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami

Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.

video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.

#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.

Customs officer: Occupation?

German: Nein, just visiting.

Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later

I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.

-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline

My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”

There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.

“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior

This motivates me more than any other cute quote or motivation pics! study cause u ugly

#getstudying #college

I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.

My 7yo said that boys were bothering her at school so she yelled math problems at them until they went away.

I have mad respect for this strategy 🙌

I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??

What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.

Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.

Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.

[crime scene]

•detective flips open pocket watch•

Hmmm…precisely what I thought

“What’s that sir”

•closes watch•

It’s lunch time

Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”

Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants

My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.

Snots fired.