Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.

…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.

Piñatas are a fun way to intentionally maim the guests at your party.

(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!

*all the adults start screaming*

Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics

90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there

reasons my cat is yowling:

-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen

They should make a moral fiber supplement

Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in

Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about

Me: USB sticks

Wife: Oh thank god

I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it

Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”

If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.

ME: so what do you do for a living

HER: I work for a moving company

ME: where is it today?

I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.

People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”

addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother

Me: I’m a programmer.

Person 1: “make my website pls”

Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”

Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”

Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”

Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”

Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.

Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.

T: You need a break
M: Yes.

T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?

T: Hell no.

Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.

P L E E Z

T O D A Y

N E E D U

S U I N G ✅

Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.

Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”

Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?

I’m no good at the pole vault either.

*me flirting

“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”

Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.

Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now

Being 6 is rough man!

“Is this your resume?”

Yes

“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”

Yes

“Welcome to UPS!”

If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.

“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie

When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped

*me

My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.