Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
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You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care