Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.

There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!

Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…

I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!

“Damnit!”

-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.

When I think about you, I touch myself.

In the face.

With my fist.

Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.

Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”

If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.

“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”

What the hell is going on?

not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works

Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.

[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year

Me: I only want two strips of bacon.

Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.

Genie: You have three wi–

Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]

[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down here

guy: ya but it’s a dry heat

me: i totally get why you’re here

Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes

Person: What are you doing?

Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls

P: You win weirdest problem of the day

Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.

me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful.
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, she says her printer doesn’t work.

Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.

I ate my exam paper. Which means that pretty soon I’ll pass the test.

WIFE: you need to stick to your budget

ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen

Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.

Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.

If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something

Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.

ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS

PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die

People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.

For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.

Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.

Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.

Daughter: