LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
My lady wanted to role play ..we was doing doctor and nurse .she in character gone ask me ..doc did you get the results back…i was like yeah the kid has cancer and will be dead by monday …she talking bout i ruined the mood …my acting just to good for boo boo she a hater
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
