Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
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To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*