Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
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DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.