Loan shark put my mind at ease by explaining it wasn’t a threat, it was a promise.
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Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
turning my gender off to conserve energy
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
How to find Kentucky on a map
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“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
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Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
The key to being remembered isn’t delivering some big all encompassing piece of wisdom, my grandpa taught me that pinching the tail of a shrimp helps you get all the meat out and now he briefly lives again each time I go shrimp mode (happens a lot)
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.