Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.

Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.

Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.

Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.

DHL: Hi! We popped by!
Me: No you didn’t
DHL: But there wasn’t anyone in!
Me: Yes there was
DHL: Would you like us to divert your parcel to a local service point?
Me: *Sigh* fine
DHL: Well we can’t!

Pro debating tip:

Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.

Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.

“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today

I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.

Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”

Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.

[ opening music ]

scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus

everyone: lol

[ roll credits ]

This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all

An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.

My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.

HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully

PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows

Haunted house ideas:

-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room

When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.

If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.

WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.

THERAPIST: Is this true?

PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES

If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.

How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?

CATHOLICS: 18

My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.

Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.

Cashier: the receipt is in the bag

Me: you too

I don’t think the person who said “if there were an infinite number of monkeys at an infinite number of typewriters one would create the complete works of Shakespeare” had even a basic understanding of monkey behavior.

[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”

My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.