Loan shark put my mind at ease by explaining it wasn’t a threat, it was a promise.
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I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
My hips? Compulsive liars.
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
My employer & colleagues all believe I am hard of hearing. I’m not. But it gets me out of having to engage in frivolous conversations & taking part in pointless hour-long meetings that could have been condensed into a 2 minute email. I get so much more work done as a “deaf” guy.
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.