Loan shark put my mind at ease by explaining it wasn’t a threat, it was a promise.
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*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
Finally! 😈
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.