Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
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[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
nooOOO now I have to dunk my phone in water!!!
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
getting groceries
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
If you ring my doorbell on election night and ask for candy you WILL get it.
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
but if i put my laundry away, the laundry chair will be out of a job
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.