Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
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She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
I may lack the tail feathers needed to flirt like a peacock but i’ve never seen them manage to rock the Running Man dance so I think it’s clear who the real winner is here
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
i saw “independence day” in the theater in 1996, and friends, i will never forget the way the entire audience literally and ecstatically CHEERED when the dog escaped from the explosion. that dog could have won an election for president with like 95% of the vote in july, 1996
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
I wish we were cats so you could just randomly slap co-workers for no reason
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.