Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.

I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me

Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying

Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”

Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun

I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.

I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”

10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.

*romantically grabs husband’s face*

I will NEVER stop eating your fries.

Waitress: Would you like an omelet?

Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…

Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.

ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*

MY DOG: *ears prick up*

OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!

ME: Thanks I could really use the help

[reptile house]

Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?

Wife: Sure!

Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?

I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn

Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”

A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”

[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought

Professor: most of you won’t pass this course

Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job

spider: sup

me: omg stay away

spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider

me: there’s good spiders?

spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you

Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.

Yelp Review: Babies

Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.

Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.

[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*

funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™

I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants

*drinks Grey Goose

*adds bird fanatic to the resume

if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to

I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.

I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.