Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
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Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
The cheapest way to fly is off the handle
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.