Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.

Then I heard her stomach rumble.

Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.

11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O

I clicked on 1 picture of Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. Now my entire timeline is Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. My family has been replaced by Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The only words I know are Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The concept of time is now Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan

co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?

me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.

Her: So do you like hash browns?

Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns

I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.

me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs

boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right

Someone was saying that social media makes you miss out on your real life, but have you seen real life?

My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.

Him: Being a teenager is tough.

Me: *sigh* I’m 40.

I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.

[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*

I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.

If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing

Me in tagged photos

My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.

Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?

Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.

{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”

Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”

I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.

None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.

I don’t use the Gregorian calendar anymore but instead have moved on to the one God intended us to use — the Costco calendar.

Halloween was back in August, it’s currently the middle of Christmas, and I’m looking forward to January when summer arrives.

Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*

Spider:

Me:

Spider:

Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?

[abruptly stops speaking in tongues] Oh the exorcism is for ME?

Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude

One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.

A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.

You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”

I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.

Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.