Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.

What I say:

Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the car

What my kids hear:

Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop

Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.

Me: I’m hot.

Husband: *turns on AC*

Me: I’m cold.

H: *turns off AC*

Me: I’m hot.

H: *jumps out of car*

When you keep wishing for a good man but all you find is a severed arm washed up on the beach

I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.

I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit

Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.

Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.

Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.

It’s the redoucheflex

I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background

Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.

HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.

Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters

Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?

Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now

Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery

The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.

I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.

My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.

When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”

You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.

ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing

I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you

[talking to a frat bro]

Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.

All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…

Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter

Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are

Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.

Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.