Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
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My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
“Want me to tell you how to murder someone and get away with it?”
—my 9yo, making conversation at lunch. At a restaurant. In public.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
Crafting will have you running around your neighborhood fighting with the local retrievers over the best sticks. i can growl too you lil mfers, i need them for my pagan stick art
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
My daughter got to pack her own lunch for the last day of school and it included a donut, 2 bags of chips, a shaker of sprinkles, and 1 tiny baby carrot because “it’s important to be healthy”
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
inside everyone there are 2 wolves, one trying to ruin a pig’s house and one pretending to be your grandma.
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
A social media post so confusing you turn your music down to read it.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”