Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
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There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
Me: Is the red one cherry or strawberry?
Morpheus: That honestly should not matter right now
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked