*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
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Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck