“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
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I never cry over spilt milk.
But, beer? That shit’s totally different.
Your word is ‘effusive’
That is correct. What was your name?
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
HR: You can’t urinate outside.
Me: Then how will we keep the jellyfish away?
HR: Can you take a drug test?
Me: Nope, I’m all out of urine
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.