Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”

I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.

servant: what size should I make the bed?

king: like this *spreads arms*

I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”

The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.

Yesterday our friend couldn’t make it tho the bar so instead of canceling they sent one of their other friends, which none of us have ever met, to replace them. You can do that? We are allowed to send in substitutes???

My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.

the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen

#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.

So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.

Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.

Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…

Mom: Cant what?!

D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.

M: *single tear falls*

asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life

Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent

[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]

Board: B A L L

Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!

Board: T R E A T S

Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.

I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”

I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”

after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.

Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.

When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.

I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.

doctor: your wife is not responding

husband: is she mad at you

Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?

Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest

GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude

I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up

[Me visiting US for the first time]

Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08

Of course you can trust me with your secret.

*Calls local news team

[anniversary text]

H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.

M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?

My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.

my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt

me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger

him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band

In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.