Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.

beware of dog
(jukin media)

that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.

My dog burst through the screen door yesterday so I’m dressing her up as the Kool-Aid man for Halloween.

It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.

Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend

My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.

when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:

There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.

Idiot.

Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.

ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT

Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.

I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.

good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab

My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”

Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-

Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!

boss: oh God

Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!

Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa

My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.

Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.

Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.

Be careful what you put out there.

Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”

Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing

The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.

Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.

*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”

I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz

Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.

Body: We need to sleep

Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?

Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS

“Read that again”

No thanks, it sucked the first time.

My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history

Ever since I was a little kid I knew that I wanted to be late for work

I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.