Local community Facebook groups are like:
“Anyone know what day is garden waste collection?”
↪️ “Ours is Friday but I don’t live anywhere near you”
↪️ “Friday is my daughter Lesley’s birthday.”
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*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
I go out of my way for people. Whenever I see people, I go “Out of my way!”
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
“your password is too weak” just wait until you see my impulse control
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
This is a bad sign
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”