Local community Facebook groups are like:
“Anyone know what day is garden waste collection?”
↪️ “Ours is Friday but I don’t live anywhere near you”
↪️ “Friday is my daughter Lesley’s birthday.”
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Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
My Target bill was $23 this month. Either I am really getting my shit together or someone at corporate has made a terrible mistake.
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”