Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”

Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…

there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it

“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”

Management discussing if there are beneficial ways to use Artificial Intelligence in the library’s operations. I suggested we try experimenting with the real stuff first.

(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay

Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.

Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.

Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.

pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed

I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not

I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.

rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days

barista: oh no

kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it

My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one

accurate

me: hey have you seen my keys?

patient I just operated on: no

me: go like this *wiggles*

When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.

“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”

“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”

if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.

The echo in my house when it’s clean is unsettling. Better order more stuff.

Tonight, Joe Biden’s press conference is make or break. Everyone will be tuned in. It’s all anyone will be paying attention to. So it’s the perfect moment.

I’m going to steal the Declaration of Independence.

Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*

My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.

I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved

[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do that

her: be a chef?

me: be manipulated by an animal

Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.

Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder

She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???

The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.