Local community Facebook groups are like:
“Anyone know what day is garden waste collection?”
↪️ “Ours is Friday but I don’t live anywhere near you”
↪️ “Friday is my daughter Lesley’s birthday.”
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No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
When someone says “I expected more of you”, I’m always like “well who’s fault is that?”
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.