Local community Facebook groups are like:
“Anyone know what day is garden waste collection?”
↪️ “Ours is Friday but I don’t live anywhere near you”
↪️ “Friday is my daughter Lesley’s birthday.”
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At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
I’m giving up ice.
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle