Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”

Interviewer:…

“Oh you mean questions about the job!”

Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]

detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is

me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic

detective: but where exactly?

me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time

“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama

Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath

I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.

The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.

These infographics don’t work on me because my takeaway is always that 17 donuts isn’t as bad as I thought

How can you call yourself a pervert?

I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.

[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry

To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…

Laundry:

Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.

Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.

*hears someone breaking into my house*

Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!

People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.

Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.

[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh

Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from police

On the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride

3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.

Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.

[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No

[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.

Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.

*sleeping*

Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE

Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway

People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-

Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered

we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive

Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…

A potential new client told me I reminded him of his first wife, “but in a good way.”

When we finished the consult and I told him my retainer he said, “I take back what I said about you reminding me of my first wife in a good way. You remind me of my first wife in every way.”

ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid