local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
A drum solo but on your face.
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
This sounds bad:
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
“Where do you think you’re going?”
“Band practice, I told you.”
“Is your homework done?”
“Yes, DAD.”
“Be home by 6 for dinner.”
“But-“
“No buts, Mom’s making your favorite.”
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
