local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
People get upset when you bring a karaoke machine to a funeral.
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
Like a hot-air balloon ride above manure mountain I am over this shit and slightly unstable
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
Me [camping]:
We’re out of wood, so I’m going to go chop some more after my hike.Me [at home]:
I would change the channel, but the remote is 2.7 millimeters out of reach.
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
