Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.

Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.

I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.

Me: [raises hand to hail cab]

*Catches random touchdown pass

Dear Satan,

God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.

Love,
Me

Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?

[ad for umbrellas]

[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]

“There must be a better way!”

Voiceover: UMBRELLAS

typical orange cat and void cat behavior

Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.

My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.

I really don’t get enough praise for someone who doesn’t need validation from others.

And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows

I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!

Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!

Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq

My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.

She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂

I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.

my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp

On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.

No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.

me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right

[later at dinner]

Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine

The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.

Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner

Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!

I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!

shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie

*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes

Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?

Her: Yes

Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?

When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.

*do a little dance*

*make a little love*

*get kicked out of this funeral*

*Into hospital bathroom emergency intercom*: um, someone put the toilet roll on backwards