Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Girl: Do you have protection?

Me: Um like a sword?

Toddlers & Ghosts

-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards

14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?

Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?

14:

Me:

14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.

I swatted at a bee today and my daughter called me a buzzkill.

A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”

Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.

Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime

17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?

Me: Who?

17: Scooper.

Me: Again, who?

17: Landlord’s son.

Me: COOPER?!

17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.

Teens – Slay all day

20s – Rosé all day

30s – Bidet all day

40s – Bengay all day

What i said : I really like this song

What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes

ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.

[ restaurant ]

him: how long for a table

me: about 8 feet

him: no the wait

me: ah, 90 lbs

Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”

*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.

*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!

if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?

airline: will you be checking your bags, sir

me: again? I did that three times at home

Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.

ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian

PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!

BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!

SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!

her: [during roleplay] come get me

me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me

If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.

Them: “A clever person solves a problem, a wise person avoids it”
Me: *takes a nap

Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.

Me when the elevator tries to leave without me

My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.

i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing

If it’s a leap year, you should get an extra day at the end of the year when you need it. Not in February. Who needs an extra day of February

My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.