Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.

Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.

[Garden of Eden]

Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend

Eve: I thought I was your best friend?

Adam: I love you

Eve: aww I love you too

Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog

Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.

Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?

Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.

I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.

Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!

Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?

Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.

Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.

The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.

The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.

Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.

I never over sleep in the mornings

I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail

My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.

Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.

“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones

I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.

Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.

Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.

Me: Netflix and chill?

Her: sure

Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password

Her:

Me: and don’t forget the condoms!

director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother

disney: sounds great, let’s add murder

Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries

What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender

She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.

Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.

8-year-old: Why?

Me: For what you did last night.

8: You were supposed to forget about that.

Dentist: Do you floss?

Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough

Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.

Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.

Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company

Ladies, if he:

-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tides

That’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.

“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.

I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.

But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?