Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

casting director: can you play a Canadian?

me: eh?

casting director: [under breath] holy shit

If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV

Where do bad rainbows go?

To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14

Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.

If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me

I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies

I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir

Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*

Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood

Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.

New tinder profile pic

If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.

[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first

Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.

Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.

Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?

Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?

[in bed]

Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you

Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*

if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”

*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*

[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]

[Time is NOT Real Institute]

BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

ME {coyly}: Time is not real

BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?

ME: Right away

BOSS: …

ME: Oh shi-

It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.

When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…

$85

When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…

Priceless.

I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.

I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”

You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.

NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA

reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping

My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying

Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.

And send.

When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.

Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]

10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]