Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.

God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?

Lion: yes.

God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?

Lion: no why?

[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]

God: I guess I’ll delete them then.

Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!

[AA meeting]

Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist

Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?

M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…

You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.

i saw “independence day” in the theater in 1996, and friends, i will never forget the way the entire audience literally and ecstatically CHEERED when the dog escaped from the explosion. that dog could have won an election for president with like 95% of the vote in july, 1996

[hospital]

“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”

WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS

DAD: I’M UP

Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.

That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…

I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!

Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away

That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.

Someone: how are you?

Me: thanks, you too.

Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog

Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u

Psychologist: what is the issue

Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.

Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*

HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems

*i pick up my phone*

HER: your behavior is untenable

“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”

I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.

(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)

Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”

[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]

If you know, you know 😂🚔

The three genders.

Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.

Researching blood spatter patterns to make tonight’s Shelf Elf display as technically accurate as possible

*Interrupts your meltdown*

Where do you keep the good snacks!?

Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.

Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.

Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”

I hunt* my own food.

*run down the street after the ice cream truck

As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: your word is antonym

ME: synonym

JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example

ME: *lips on mic* i-t

next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…

cup your hands together until the water overflows.

then look at them and say:

This water is getting out of hand