Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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Husband: Quick. What’s this song?

Me: Awful.

Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard

what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night

7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today

6yo: Ok!

Me: *holy shit yessss*

7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD

Me: Right. Of course.

I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.

It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial

I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce

If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit

The “baby” on the left….

Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.

Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.

INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?

Did everyone recover from the TikTok ban?! 🤣😂

very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell

The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers

Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume

Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes

Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony

Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.

I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.

Going to a wedding today:

Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.

Clearly I have work to do with the little one.

On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on

To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST

Is my life this bad because I didn’t forward that email to 15 people back in 2007?

My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.

Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.

i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too

when all you have is a rotisserie everything looks like a chicken