Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?

Martin Shkreli is in jail.

Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.

I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.

can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week

[In the car]

4 year-old: What’s this song called?

Me: “Don’t Speak.”

[10 minutes of silence later]

Me: You alright buddy?

4: Yeah you said don’t speak.

Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.

Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK

Get in the van!

me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!

*jogs after van*

My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.

[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.

If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide

Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries

Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.

[first date]

date: i’m an optimist

me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before

Me: i’m so hungover.

Wife: what do you need?

Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.

Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*

Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.

I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness

*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!

Thank you, they came with the frame.

spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic

*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*

I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.

If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.

watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel

The reason I don’t trust polls is because the people being polled are people who willingly answer the phone when an unknown number is calling them

I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.

me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches

them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest

“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick

Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?

boss: why aren’t you getting your work done?

me: [staring at 5 hours of meetings on my calendar today] it’s a hell of a mystery really.

the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do