Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem

My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.

A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.

I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am

Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.

[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-

We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.

Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?

Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.

Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence

Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom

Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?

Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company

I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.

“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.

Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.

And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end

PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.

Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.

my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile

BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.

The Police have no lead.

“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”

~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.

I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.

friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“

the track:

I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.

“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.

As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.

ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES

A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…

I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.

As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.

*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner

I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.