local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
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Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
Don’t we all.
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
“I’d do okay in prison,” I say, absently wiping down the lid of a soup can because a rat may have scampered across it somewhere in the supply chain
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
had to share :’)
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
There is no “we” in pizza
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them