local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
You Might Also Like
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
Dr Raygun has achieved a feat absolutely unheard of in academia – people are reading her thesis
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
