local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
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*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
“I’m helping” 😅
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
water it, i dare you
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.